By ELIZABETH GRANT, LPCC

“A man is but a product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes.” –Mahatma Ghandi

If you had a friend that said you’re not smart enough, good enough or lovable, would you keep this friend? I would hope not, and yet people often give themselves free reign to routinely employ such negative self-talk.

Thoughts and beliefs are the operating systems that navigate our lives. If we don’t monitor these thoughts and beliefs, we can unconsciously create undesirable life consequences. 

Negative self-talk makes us tentative and unable able to make decisions. It gets in the way of taking healthy risks and inevitably stamps out our creative fire. It’s linked to low self-esteem, depression and relationship strain. Now is that enough to make you want to take control of your thought processes?  

If so, here are some steps to help you confront negative self-talk.

First of all, give it a name. I once saw a tarot card reader in Madrid, N.M. who called the inner-abusive monologue “The Itty Bitty Sh***y Committee.” Often times we not only listen to that committee but also roll out the red carpet for them. When you give negative self-talk a name it helps to externalize the negative chatter and thereby deflate its power. Also, by calling out this chatter, you stop it in its tracks. You may even find some much-needed humor along the way. For example, “Itty Bitty you’re officially off the committee.”   

Secondly, pay attention to your thoughts. This requires a concentrated effort. Whenever you find yourself feeling depressed, angry, doubtful, insecure or anxious, tap into your inner dialogue to see what you’re telling yourself. Notice your train of thought, alert yourself that the committee is taking space in your head and then challenge your thoughts with these questions:

• What is my evidence for and against this thinking?
• Am I reading the minds of others? If others are involved, are you deciding how they feel about you based on your own projections?
• How can I perceive this situation in a more positive manner?
• Does this mode of thinking help me to feel good or to achieve my goals?
• What happened in my past to create this thought pattern? Am I willing to let the past hold me captive? 

Compassionately rewrite your script. For example, if you have an interview, instead of saying: “I will never get this job because I am not as smart as the other candidates”, say: “They are taking time to meet me because my work experience appeals to them. I feel good about sharing my expertise and enthusiasm for this job.”

This rewriting exercise isn’t meant to state something that doesn’t feel genuine. For example, it’s better to honestly share your strengths and areas of growth rather than saying something inauthentic such as “I am the smartest person I know.” You may need a friend or a loved one to reflect your strengths and accomplishments back to you if you have difficulty doing this. When you have completed the script, say it over and over to yourself until you feel that you’ve absorbed it into your psyche. 

Practice and repeat. The most important thing to remember about silencing your demonic dialogue is that it is a process. It may not come easily at first and you will inevitably slip back into old habits. But overtime as you develop this nurturing upbeat voice in your psyche, the dark inner dialogue will be less likely to monopolize your thought process. 

Prepare for resistance. You may be hesitant to banish negative self-talk as you believe that it’s been a good disciplinarian in some ways. You may fear that if you give too much positive reinforcement to yourself, you’ll grow complacent and ignore areas that need your attention. However, if you’ve ever had a highly critical boss or parent, you know that the critical voice can be paralyzing. While it may motivate you for a short time, it’s often not sustainable. Positive reinforcement provides momentum which gives us that feel-good energy to go forward.

If you’re unable to perform these exercises or negative self-talk is somehow permanently etched in your bone marrow, be sure to reach out to a therapist who can guide you. And remember, as Sir Edmund Hillary once said, “It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.”