By CHRISTINE BERNSTEIN
Former Los Alamos School Board Member

Now that my term has officially ended…I am ready to speak.

Losing an election was a new experience for me. I went through a myriad of emotions; some I knew I would feel, and others were a surprise.

I realized it was grief. And grief is tricky and can be a sneaky thing.

I googled the stages of grief, and of course, there are many different answers, but I liked this one the best:

• shock and denial.
• pain and guilt.
• anger and bargaining.
• depression.
• the upward turn.
• reconstruction and working through.
• acceptance and hope.

I went through them all and still am a bit. The hardest part of losing wasn’t the actual losing. It was the loss of something I was wholly invested in, something I knew I wanted to do since around the early 2000s. It was the false accusations, the verbal attacks, and the ugly meanness that I witnessed and was directed toward me. That was hard. It was hard because it was unexpected; I was taken off guard.

The other hardest part was the anger I felt. I expected to feel sad and depressed for a time; I expected the shock, and of course, I went through periods of denial. I definitely felt the pain of being unjustly accused of stuff I had no control over or didn’t do and guilt over not trying hard enough or doing enough. I also knew I would feel better once I passed those initial hard feelings and found acceptance and hope.  The anger was the hardest. And what made me angry? People’s behavior: cowardice, hypocrisy, dishonesty. 

Experiencing these things and being on the receiving end of them was painful. 

I went into this position with my heart open and the best of intentions for our kids, teachers, and education. I found many challenges and often felt defeated, yet I never quit. Because I came into the job with intention, passion, and a vision, I came to the board ready to do the work. And often, I felt frustrated, shut down, and silenced. I felt bullied at times, ignored, unseen, and unheard. And this is by board members. I felt like a middle schooler coming into a new school, knowing no one and trying to be myself and yet fit in. I grieved. I went through it all. And I am now on the other end of it, and I am ok. 

And, of course, being an educator with a passion for student learning…I always connect things back to education and lessons learned.

I attended my last NMSBA (New Mexico School Boards Association) conference in December. As I listened to the Board president of APS present on board governance, many things she talked about struck a chord with me, but one is relevant here- Adult Behavior.

The strategic plan that LAPS is embarking upon has several components, but one aspect is about changing adult behavior. And I felt validated in hearing the APS Board President talk about how they have had to work on changing adult behavior and how it has to start at the top. 

I feel validated because I’ve talked about it for at least four years. If we want our students to be mindful, we must model it. We want them not to be bullies; we can’t be bullies, either. We want kids to practice civility; we have to be civil, too. I asked for civil discourse during my campaign. I was met with judgment, accusations, second-guessing, and many other behaviors. All the things we don’t want our kids to do. Go figure.

I am disappointed in myself. I should have been braver. I should have spoken up and out against those who tried to silence me. I should have not allowed myself to be intimidated. I beat myself up for a while over the should haves. And then I realized…I am not dead yet. I still have opportunities to use my voice, practice courage, and let go of regret. Because it all comes together in the end. Even as a teacher, I am a learner. 

How do I tie it all to education? Adult behavior. Think about it. How can we expect our kids to behave any better than we do? How can we ask kids to be upstanders when we don’t do that ourselves? How can we ask kids to do anything different without modeling it? The campaign was a fine example of all of us NOT modeling the behavior we expect from our kids. 

As leaders, shouldn’t the community and the boards model what we want in our youth? We want them to collaborate, to treat each other with respect, to speak out, and to be upstanders. As administrators, shouldn’t that be modeled by how we treat teachers? And as teachers, can’t we model how we want to be treated by treating students that way?

Do we do that?

I was very disappointed in this community during the campaign. I saw a bit of cowardice. I heard people say they couldn’t openly speak up out of fear of potential retaliation. What does that tell you?

I am disappointed that this is what we model for our kids. We want our educational system to be civil and safe, yet is this a civil and safe community? Can someone show up and be themselves and feel safe doing so? Can people show up and feel supported by their peers? Respected and accepted? Can anyone be involved and be met with curiosity over judgment?

Do we do that here?

Lastly…

Doors: You know that saying, when a door closes, another opens or something like that? Although I am disappointed and have been grieving the loss of 4 years of hard work, I also see a light on the other side.  Doors are opening for me. I feel freer to write now. I feel as if I can use my voice authentically the way I want. I feel I can find new avenues to impact education that will probably be more effective. I can go back to the classroom if I choose. I have been missing my favorite people a lot- teens. I miss working with teens. 

I can take what I have learned and put it into practice. I can be the person I want my kids to be. 

My heart feels broken, but my spirit is not. I feel a sense of lightness and freedom. I am still angry at the mean people and their judgy, unkind misinterpretations of the truth.  I still disdain the cowardice and weakness of people who felt they couldn’t speak up. I am disgusted by the hypocrisy and lying I tried to push against subtly.  And I will move past it, move forward, and let it go. Maybe one more week……

I am strong and will live into my integrity and do what is right for me and my passion. 

Education- I learn.

Grief- I feel.

Doors- I open.