By DR. TED WIARD
Editors Note: This is an ongoing series by grief specialist Dr. Ted Wiard, dedicated to helping educate the community about emotional healing.
Societal losses have continued to inundate people as a community, family, and individuals.
Societal losses such as the COVID pandemic, fires, politics, fears in elections, hurricanes, deaths of leaders, financial losses, and many more stressors due to changes within society have traumatized most people over the last 8 months to new levels.
As grief tries to redefine these situations and help transition people into the actuality of the present situation, and empower the next steps of action, the psyche can become overwhelmed and allow levels of denial to help halt the flood into the system with unstable stimuli of change coming into the brain.
The phase of denial in the grief process plays an enormous role to try to filter all the stimuli of change that is barraging the nervous system. One of the ways that denial deflects stimuli is with a tangential focus. What this means is as a person has a topic that is causing emotional dysregulation, the psyche will look at a different angle of that loss to help decrease the impact on the person emotionally, physically, spiritually, and intellectually.
Similar to making sure you look away from the sun to not be blinded, yet knowing the sun is still there, and taking in the amount of stimuli that is not harmful for the person. Quite often tangential actions come out as arguing with partners, being agitated at manageable issues rather than the primary irritant, and other actions that losses are acted out in secondary issues rather than true actor of the pain.
Tangential grief helps keep someone from being overwhelmed but can cause other losses in the process. As feelings of autonomy feel hijacked due to loss, it is easy to look for other topics to try to control and demand change, fix and rescue someone from the discomfort. This type of behavior is often acted out within the family system.
As internal pressure grows, similar to a pressure cooker, a release is needed to discharge that internal stress. As that stress grows and isn’t directed towards the primary issue, it is released in negative behaviors towards loved ones. Energy is blown sideways which may cause collateral damage in your most important relationships.
To avoid this collateral damage, start by being conscious of what is causing the person to be agitated. Engage in ways to release stress in healthy ways and do it! Also, reach out for healthy support from professionals and loved ones, take peaceful actions, express your feelings, and most importantly, continue to find ways to be kind and loving to your friends and family, rather than cause chaos within the system that is actually supporting the person.
Tangential behaviors is habitual, and is a way to not get overwhelmed. Becoming conscious of actions can help deter more stress on top of the true cause of the emotional disruption. Self-care and conscious actions will help the person, as well as those around them, which will help build a team approach to walk through these difficult times. I wish you well, and until the next time, take care.
Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Direct any questions to Dr. Ted Wiard, EdD, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat GWR@newmex.com or call at 575.776.2024. Los Alamos virtual grief support group is offered, at no charge. Visit www.goldenwillowretreat.org.
