By BILL HEINMILLER
Los Alamos
Ever since the 8th grade when I learned how clutter-free geometry could become by sweeping segments out of the way, I have had a love-hate relationship with math. I usually love it…………..until I don’t. That is why John Pawlak’s math column (link) the other day struck a cardinal nerve with me. Or was it an ordinal nerve?
John took a bag (or was it a sack?) containing an undefined number of groceries to the checkout and they summed to the very well-defined amount of $60. Odds of 1:999? Maybe, or maybe not! As any mathematician will tell you in response to any math question, it depends! For example, how much is 1 + 1? Answer: It depends. Like, on what base you’re in! (If every student in every math class would answer every test problem and every question from the teacher with “It depends”, they should get an A.) Odds is the number of favorable outcomes to the number of unfavorable outcomes. So, what were the odds that John’s groceries would add up to an even ten-dollar amount? Answer: It depends! Like, on what time you ask the question. Before entering the store, the odds were 1:999. Not very good. But later, after the groceries had been selected, the odds jumped to 1000:0, or infinitely in favor. No unfavorable result was possible at that point. That’s what he should have told the cashier. “Wow, right on an even ten-dollar amount. What are the odds?” “Infinitely favorable. No other result was possible.” That would have made her think he was either a perfect square or as irrational as the cube root of his age. LOL!
Math is easy, right? In college I signed up for a course called “partial differential equations” because I thought it would be only partially as difficult as ordinary differential equations, which aren’t ordinary at all. Out of 35,000 students, three others made the same mistake. What are those odds? The Final was set for Friday, noon to 4, and I was headed to a, essential keg party afterwards. Four hours, four students, four problems. Sounds like a sure bet! At 4 p.m. we were still on the first problem. At 8 p.m. we were still slogging as fast as our analog calculators could slide, and hungry! The professor let one student leave and return with pizza and beer for the whole class. (The age for beer and wine was 18 then. Lucky boomers and Xers, poor Yers and Zers.) No worry about cheating b/c for sure, nobody at the pizza joint could possibly be of any help. We finished about midnight, just in time for the party. So much for partially easy problems.
Unlike John, I could never master pi to 314 places. That sounds like a circular exercise in fertility to me. Just remembering 3.14 places was tough enough. I did manage an exponential task of memorizing e to 272 places though. I applied for Nerd Certification but the Board of Nerds rejected it, calling that, well, just too base. Nerds by the way were those with slide rule cases strapped to their belts. Imitation nerds abounded, with slide rule cases filled with pot instead of a slide rule. I never calculated the area of a cone, as that would have been too conical. The only place I factored quadratics was at a Quadratic Center, a building with 4 swimming pools. I did use calculus to calculate, naturally, the volume of ellipsoids, paraboloids, hyperboloids, hemorrhoids, spermatozoids and micrometeoroids. And I still use complex math to this day. Every month I balance my checkbook (Yes I write checks) using imaginary numbers. As a result, there is always $i in the account. Imagine that! For a math habitué like me, everything should be in Base 1, aka the urinary system. It’s the easiest. There, 1 + 1 = 11, 1 – 1 = , and √1111111111111111111111111 = 11111. Easy! Like converting 105 in base 10 to base -10, one of those problems solved by just looking at it. LOL!
Modern contraceptives have obviated the need for natural logarithms. Since there are only two possible outcomes, one can also use a coin. Contrary to all math teachings, modern research has shown that when flipping coins, odds aren’t even after all. Always call the side that is visible and you’ll more likely win that new car. Or that new child. And yes, students today do need to master business math, as my daughter taught me:
“Hey, Dad. How do you like my new shirts?”
“They’re nice.”
“They were on sale. Buy One Get One Half Off.”
“Nice. I like the colors and patterns. And the style. They were discounted?”
“Yeah. They were half off. That’s what the sign said.”
“Oh. I see. Do they have any Buy One Get One Free offers? I can always use free new clothes.”
